Things

What if we could live backwards? Start at 100 and work to zero. We would look around at our lives and feel content because we had to and wonder how we got there but never worry, no worries, because it was already done even though it had just begun. We’d prepare for death and suddenly experience life. We'd feel life pulsate through our tired veins pumping life-sustaining red liquid through our bodies, our skin healing over cuts, our, bones straightening, our life strengthening. Our children would appear and we’d wonder why they were not always there and we’d smile as they said they’d be with us always knowing and not knowing that it was not true. We’d work backwards and watch our accomplishments become goals and our failed dreams become hopes and we’d do things we knew did not matter because we had seen what became of them but we’d keep doing them and try not to care. We would love our children and kiss their foreheads and watch as they became smaller and smaller until they disappeared, disconnecting us forever form the greater fabric of life. And we’d miss them, and we'd feel like we'd lost a part of ourselves, no way to live on after we're gone, no point to life but life. So we’d push all our vibrant life energy into everything. We’d do anything to feel something as our thoughts peeled off like flower petals and floated away in a velvet sea. Nothing would get old because everything was always getting newer brighter more beautiful color feelings experience everything. We’d want to stay at that one point forever and we’d know we couldn’t but we’d try, try, try and be happy that we’d try it was as a we and not as an I. And we’d greedily drink from the cup of life that kept getting fuller and fuller and then suddenly was not a cup at all but nothing and we’d cry and miss it and then not understand what we were missing as all that living became nothing more than a flickering memory behind closed eyelids. And then we’d lose even that and worry about our grades and our friends and all the things that we no longer knew didn’t matter. And we’d get smaller and simpler until we were six and then five and life would pop and roar with newness, joy and sadness would spring spontaneously from every ounce of our being. And the feeling of crying without thoughts and wanting without logic and then warmth without living and then nothing without self. And our matter would join together as part of the pulsating vibrating mass of the world.