Things

Top two bhang induced thoughts

1. While staring up at the stars in the desert 60 miles outside Jaisalmier “I’m going insane im going insane im going insane. Wait…ok…calm down…I am not actually going insane…I’m just to trick myself that I’m going insane…ok…whoo…I’m ok…wait…if I’m trying to trick myself into thinking I’m insane then I am TOTALLY going insane….i’m going insane im going insane im going insane"

2. While sitting in the Third Eye café drinking one fourth of one lassi and talking to another MSIDer. “I am predicting every word she says. I am like a god. I know EVERYTHING…” *peers at bird under table* “and I know that bird might be a spy!”

Things

What if we could live backwards? Start at 100 and work to zero. We would look around at our lives and feel content because we had to and wonder how we got there but never worry, no worries, because it was already done even though it had just begun. We’d prepare for death and suddenly experience life. We'd feel life pulsate through our tired veins pumping life-sustaining red liquid through our bodies, our skin healing over cuts, our, bones straightening, our life strengthening. Our children would appear and we’d wonder why they were not always there and we’d smile as they said they’d be with us always knowing and not knowing that it was not true. We’d work backwards and watch our accomplishments become goals and our failed dreams become hopes and we’d do things we knew did not matter because we had seen what became of them but we’d keep doing them and try not to care. We would love our children and kiss their foreheads and watch as they became smaller and smaller until they disappeared, disconnecting us forever form the greater fabric of life. And we’d miss them, and we'd feel like we'd lost a part of ourselves, no way to live on after we're gone, no point to life but life. So we’d push all our vibrant life energy into everything. We’d do anything to feel something as our thoughts peeled off like flower petals and floated away in a velvet sea. Nothing would get old because everything was always getting newer brighter more beautiful color feelings experience everything. We’d want to stay at that one point forever and we’d know we couldn’t but we’d try, try, try and be happy that we’d try it was as a we and not as an I. And we’d greedily drink from the cup of life that kept getting fuller and fuller and then suddenly was not a cup at all but nothing and we’d cry and miss it and then not understand what we were missing as all that living became nothing more than a flickering memory behind closed eyelids. And then we’d lose even that and worry about our grades and our friends and all the things that we no longer knew didn’t matter. And we’d get smaller and simpler until we were six and then five and life would pop and roar with newness, joy and sadness would spring spontaneously from every ounce of our being. And the feeling of crying without thoughts and wanting without logic and then warmth without living and then nothing without self. And our matter would join together as part of the pulsating vibrating mass of the world.

Things

Waiting thirty minutes or so for the water to heat…filling your bucket to the brim…scooping up the first ladle and pouring it slowly over you…experiencing the shift from scalding heat to pleasant warmth as your skin adjusts…letting the steam rise up from the bucket and envelop you…breathing in the warm saturated air…feeling cleansed and rejuvenated…I’m really starting to appreciate the simple pleasure of bucket baths.

Things

My body is betraying me, and I am taking it as a personal affront. I’ve eaten only sanctioned foods. I doubt I have swallowed a single mouthful of tap water. I take my pills like a good little girl. Despite that, I’ve been plagued by headaches, exhaustion, completely random bouts of burning up and freezing. Gigantic bruises blossom on my arms and legs whenever I tap a solid surface. I am currently on the dénouement of my second semi-crippling fever in as many weeks, huddled under blankets after dragging myself to an internet café in the rain only to have the power cut out halfway through an email about ad estimates.

Ritu, one of the program administrators, told me at the hospital that she thinks being sick is partially a state of mind. As if you can will yourself to be better and constant maladies are signs of some kind of psychological weakness.

Screw her.

People

And then they decided to colonize our minds. So they made us learn English and taught us manners and etiquette.”
- Quote by Shri Rambir Sinh during discussion on British colonization in a crazy beautiful haveli in Shekhawati

- Me on rooftop of crazy beautiful haveli in Shekhawati

Places

Welcome to Explorer-land, the imaginary fourth Disney kingdom conveniently located in the Desert Resort Hotel in the Indian village of Shekhawati. We offer you individual little huts that have the same amenities of a typical room but four times the explorer cred. Take a few steps off the beaten path to your room and, my stars, you’ve discovered a little playground! Explore a bit more and, why look, you’ve located a magical looking refreshing stream! Walk up the mysterious staircase and you’ll have your own private viewing area to watch the stars. Feel free to snap pictures of our authentic Indians as they wear their vibrant colors and sweep the floor with branches! You’ll get all the emotional sensations of an actual adventure, with none of the challenges!

Things

I never was especially interested in the Take Back The Night vigils that occur periodically at my school. I never felt like I needed to take back the night because I thought I already had it. I’ve been nervous at times (particularly during those late night half mile walks from the bus stop in Arlington), but I’ve always felt more or less safe, and that feeling has never been challenged by a bad thing actually happening to me.

So walking around alone after dark in India, especially Ranthambore, has been a new sensation for me. It’s scary. Not just scary in the rational this is unsafe kind of way. Scary in the oh-my-god-I’m-the-only-woman-on-the-street-and-every-man-knows-it kind of way. You feel like you don’t belong. Like if anything bad happened to you it would be your fault, you would have been asking for it. It’s a fear based on who you are as much as where you are, and it’s given me newfound empathy for the people who don’t believe that the hours after dark belong to them.

Things

Scorecard of Sarah Vs Ranthambore monkeys

Battle the first: Sarah vs monkey who wants a bag of old banana peels

Synopsis of battle: Sarah ties bag of banana peels onto side of bus with intent to throw them out later. Monkey spots bag. Monkey leaps onto bus. Monkey grabs bag. Sarah swallows back shriek. Sarah fumbles for camera. Monkey escapes with bag.

Winner: Monkey

Score: Monkey 1, Sarah 0

Battle the second: Sarah vs monkey who wanted a bag of cereal

Synopsis of battle: Sarah clutches small plastic bag of cereal. Monkey sees small plastic bag, approaches. Sarah is hungry, does not want to give up bag. Monkey glares menacingly. Sarah swallows back squeal. Drops bag. Monkey eats cereal.

Winner: Monkey

Score: Monkey 2, Sarah 0

Battle the third: Sarah vs baby monkey that looked kind of like an alien

Synopsis of battle: Sarah wants to take picture of cute little monkey family chilling in temple. Sarah pulls out camera. Baby monkey that looks kind of like an alien sees Sarah. Goes to edge of temple and makes shrieking noise. Sarah stops taking pictures and backs away.

Winner; Monkey

Score: Monkey 3, Sarah 0

Battle the fourth: Sarah vs monkey who wanted to sit

Synopsis of battle: Sarah sits on some steps and opens up her Hindi book. Monkey wants to sit on steps. Monkey stares at Sarah. Sarah stares at monkey. Monkey pees on temple steps. Sarah leaves.

Winner: Monkey

Score: Monkey 4, Sarah 0

Battle the fifth: Sarah vs every monkey

Sarah is a human and gets to pick the final score. Monkey is a monkey and doesn't.

Winner: Sarah

Score: Monkey 4, Sarah 5

People

Archkanar, the younger maid, has some kind of bone disease and has went back to Bengal to be with her family. She was probably my closest friend here after Erin. We made faces at each other and play catch with objects around my room. I tried to teach her english and she taught me a few words in Hindi. She sometimes got in trouble when she snuck away from her work so we could spend time together. We couldn't really communicate with words but I think we cared about each other. I will miss her.

Friendship - language = emotion.

People

It’s really amazingly sad how little prolonged contact I have had with people who have been through real problems. I thought that going to UNC would give me the opportunity to befriend people who grew up differently. That didn't really happen. Everyone was rigidly defined based on thinly disguised socio-economic categories. Out-of-State. In-State. Morehead. Robertson. Honors Program. I ended up surrounded with people who confirmed my conceptions of upper middle class life and problems and taught me precious little about the reality that the rest of America experiences.

University of Minnesota is a state school the way I imagined state schools would be. Several people on this trip are the first ones of their families to go to college. One girl is a Mong refugee who was drugged with opium as a baby so her family could flee the country. Another girl lived with her proselytizing missionary parents in Mexico for several years and was brainwashed by home schooling until 3^rd grade to believe only religious dogma. Others lived in trailer parks, have parents on welfare, mental illnesses, other vibrant terrible things that helped shape who they are. Hearing their stories literally blows my mind. I need resist the urge to glorify what they’ve seen and done. It probably was not glorious for them.

Places

There is a temple dedicated to the goddess Lakshmi near my house. It is an expanse of white and incredibly beautiful. Although the temple is Hindu, it feels completely nondenominational. You can imprint nearly any religious values you hold onto the smooth white surfaces. I welcomed the sense of peace and connectedness I felt as I walked barefoot through the temple with the other worshipers. When I focused inward, I could even feel the sluggish awakening of some kind of inner spirituality as it tentatively tested the walls of rationality, reason, skepticism, and atheism that enclosed it from all sides.